What the Twit?

Twitter…please stop trying to make “fetch” happen!

I have my group of friends. Ok, group of people I have bonded with virtually through various social and professional media platforms. Isn’t that the 21st century version of making friends?

Anywhoo….I have my friends. I have folks I follow. I have folks I avoid. It’s just like real life except it happens on my phone/iPad/computer. And I love it. So why does Twitter feel the need to send me a synopsis of stuff from people I want to run over with my Jeep? I blame geographic proximity and algorithms.  Not what you thought I was going to say, huh? I may not speak math, but I am married to an IT professional, which is basically the same as staying in a Holiday Inn Express. #smart

Just because I am in close geographic proximity to these pretentious Judgy McJudge-Faces does not mean I want to see their crap. Just the sight of their names makes me ball my fist involuntarily and the eye rolling commences. I like my sarcastic, witty, non-judgmental real-but-not-nearby friends much much more. They “get” me. Most of the time that I have spent around the “twit-wits” in real life, I have to act like my very best version of my front row church self. Let me clarify, I know how to behave. I am an adult and I had sufficient home training which did involve my rear end being smacked by various handy implements (flip flops, fly swatters, switches made from the worse hedges known to man – boxwood, boards, belts, Hot Wheels race track sections…you get the idea). But I have a sense of humor that is commonly referred to as “deeply sarcastic”. Oh and I tend to pepper my conversations with colorful language. Except when I am at church – even I know better than that!!

I can only “behave” for so long before something will slip out, revealing my true self. And surprise surprise – most of these folks don’t get me. I make them uncomfortable and in turn they make me feel unworthy. Or they used to…until I turned 45. I don’t know what happened, but I have hit that age where I really don’t give a damn what they think. They don’t pay my bills, they don’t take care of me, my life doesn’t depend on them and most of all they are not in control of my eternal soul. To quote the great sage Tupac Shakur – “Only God can judge me”. If they don’t get me and my sense of humor, well that’s their loss. My husband has told me that besides my smoking hot ass, it was my sense of humor that drew him to me. Right about now I would prefer to have that smoking hot ass back, but I was 17 at that time and WTF did I know about anything? I thought I knew, but I was only scratching the surface.

So, Twitter, if you want to send me helpful follow suggestions, wrap that email up in some kind of package where I can take one look at it and say – “NOT TODAY SATAN!” without having to open it and fall into a death spiral pit of despair. Send me what my real friends are talking about and let me have a good day. #overit