Careful What You Wish For?

I’m not really sure that’s the right quote for what I’m feeling right now, but I do know that I am a little sad. I don’t know why I thought anything would change or be different, but I did enjoy the slight reprieve from my hopeless daily situation. I actually felt lighter and a little less burdened. Included. Now I just feel like I’m on the outside, looking in.

I guess I thought that somehow things would change, but then again, how would that work exactly? I have made my bed and believe me I have been lying in it for the past three decades. Sometimes that bed was comfortable and other times it has been like a bed of nails. Right now, it’s like an old mattress that needs to be replaced but mattresses like that are very expensive and hard to change, and no matter how many times you flip it the same rut is there. Every night you fall into right back into it, all the pain points reminding you that nothing has changed.

How do you get to this point? How does one allow their life to become such a gray and lonely place? Oh, I’m sure that tomorrow I will feel a little better and a little more optimistic but right here, right now I am feeling like I’m in a dark and lonely room and no one to turn to. Thus, the writing…the only thing that I can do to express what I am thinking and feeling except even in this I can’t be 100% honest and transparent because that would be dangerous. I’m trying to find the most obscure ways of saying what I really feel because I truly believe that I am alone – even in the presence of others.